“DON'T SAY THAT! REALLY!”
By FuZ


Much of our language and our means of communicating with each other in this world has become completely euphemistic. Often we only say things because we were taught to do so under specific circumstances or because saying SOMETHING alleviates the seeming awkwardness of silence. This is not to mention that people just don't seem to put a high premium on honesty (straightforward, logical, appropriate reactions in social contexts - I'm not talking about bluntness, cruelty, irreverence, or shock value here . . . necessarily). People just seem to talk to hear themselves. Yada yada yada.

Think about how often you say "hi," or "thank you," or "how are you doing?" Now, out the many times in a single day that you utter these words, how often do you REALLY mean them? How often do you really feel compelled by interest and compassion to greet someone, stranger or acquaintance? How often are you TRULY thankful? How much do you really care how someone else is doing? Admit it, many times you say these things because it seems appropriate or less uncomfortable than saying nothing. I am not immune to this phenomenon either. I still say all of the above three phrases to people on a regular basis; I'm just always trying to make sure that I MEAN them when I SAY them.

There are two phrases in the English language that I (FuZ) cannot stand to hear for precisely these reasons. They are: "I don't know" and "I'm sorry." Neither of these phrases, like a false "thank you," are inherently wrong, and both can be said with honest intention. I find, however, (and I think that you will too if you tune in a little closer) that somewhere between 95% and 99% of the time, these expressions are excuses. Given the contexts in which these expressions are most often seemingly appropriate, I find such "excuses" extremely disrespectful.

Test my theory. I aver and would be willing to bet that the next time you hear someone say "I don't know" what they really mean is "I don't feel like thinking about it." People say "I don't know" nearly constantly in conversation. It's a shirk of responsibility for not having forethought or concern to have considered something previously. A better response would be "I don't know, but I'll gladly find out." Test the veracity of someone's "I don't know" by asking them if they will find out; Be aware that you might get some very nasty attitude in return. I'm telling you: 9 times out of ten, it's an excuse not to think or be bothered. I'm not trying to be pessimistic. I've noticed and tested this.

And then there is the horribly abused statement which is supposed to be used only when truly meant. To apologize is to humble oneself, to admit guilt and to ask, nay BEG, forgiveness for a fault or error for which one is RESPONSIBLE and for which one is ASSUMING FULL RESPONSIBILITY. Now, here's the test. Listen to people when they say that they are sorry. How often is that phrase followed by the conjunction "BUT"? All too often. Newsflash: there is NO SUCH THING AS "I'M SORRY BUT!!!!!!" This is a statement of blatant disrespect.

What it means is:
- get off my back!
- why do you care so much?
- why does this even matter?!
- why should I care about this?
- get over it.
- does my saying this finally make you happy?!
- there was nothing I could do [skirting responsibility!!!!], so I'll say this in the hopes that it will smooth over this rough social spot between us and hopefully unruffle your feathers. So please drop it.

This is what I hear ALL THE TIME. I'm in a field where I hear apologies all the time. And more than 9 times out of ten they are hollow, empty, devoid of meaning.

I don't take these things lightly because I perceive the conscious but unspoken disrespect seething at the surface of each of these expressions as commonly used. Perhaps we can encourage each other to be honest enough with each other so that even if we are not in agreement or on the same page, we can at least respect each other in the most basic of ways: not to lie or patronize.

That said, if you do NOT know something, say, "I don't know," and then find out because otherwise what you MEAN is "I don't care." Take responsibility for your knowledge or lack thereof.

If you are sorry, say so. Don't use those sacred little words as excuses or segues to another conversation. I don't think that I am asking too much.

Can't we all just mean what we say and say what we mean? Wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where people DID say "hi," "thank you," "how are you?" "I don't know," and "I'm sorry," but really meant it.

I'm really not preaching as much as it sounds. These things bother me because I strive not to do them because I hate to have them done to me. Just wanted to share and elaborate on one of my BIGGEST pet peeves.

Thanks for reading this open-mindedly and not assuming that I'm a braggart or egomaniac. I think my concerns and requests here are legitimate. I'm a huge proponent of freedom of speech, but I don't think lying and needless disrespect are necessary either.

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